I’m Ready To Talk About The Tortured Poet’s Department by Taylor Swift

We needed this big cover image to fit all 31 songs into.

Taylor Swift released a new record and you definitely knew this, whether it was from the omnipresent promo, the TMZ/Daily Mail style tea she created, or the abundance of blatant Taylor Swift quotes that have tethered themselves to random IG posts. So let’s dive in….

To get off on the right foot, let me explain my history with Taylor Swift. I liked Taylor Swift’s music. As a person. she seems fine. She’s not a demon or anything. She’s not Mother (that’s Lana Del Rey) nor is she my Personal Pop Queen (that would be Dua Lipa). But I tend to like Taylor Swift. I was forced to listen to Red repeatedly against my will as a child and grudgingly enjoyed it. I have no ill will against Taylor. At least no more than I do against other pop stars.

To recap: NO, I DO NOT DISLIKE TAYLOR SWIFT. I USED TO DO ACID AND LISTEN TO “FEARLESS”!!!!

Now, buckle up. Chinstraps on. We descend into…..(snorts) The Tortured Poet’s Department. And we’re going track by track babyyyyyyyyyyy….

Track 1 is Fortnight, of no relation to Fortnite, which is a shame. It’s got Post Malone, mostly on background vocals. The verse melody is ripped straight from “K” by Cigarettes After Sex. Obviously, “K” is a much better song. Taylor Swift is a great lyricist. But some of this shit is cringe. “I was a functioning alcoholic, guess no one noticed my new aesthetic” she moans over a 2009 6th grade dance style synth line. This line is whack. She delivers it like she thinks it rhymes, but it doesn’t. She mentions wanting to murder someone’s wife and it sounds edgy in the way a girl who listens to “All The Small Things” 15 times would think edgy sounded. I like the chorus melody. It’s catchy. Overall this song is not a bad intro, especially for this record. Post Malone and Taylor Swift sound great harmonizing.

Another day, another drum machine. The titular track The Tortured Poet’s Department….. God ,I felt like a fraud typing that. Let’s try again. The Tortured Poet’s Department is a song about Matt Healy. Actually the vast majority of these songs are about Matt Healy. I don’t even want to get into that because it makes me uncomfortable for a litany of reasons. The melody on this song is fine. It’s classic Taylor. It sounds like something that would play over the credits of a short feature about saving the whales. The production sounds like it was assembled using samples from other Taylor Swift songs. The guitar flourishes and light piano in the background….this sounds like a Bruce Springsteen song. Melodically, it’s strong, but sounds like a lot of other Taylor Swift songs.

I do have a serious problem with this Charlie Puth line. Not that I agree or disagree. Just…why? I don’t understand.

At This Point I took a 7 hour break-

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys is next. This song is catchy. There’s some great melodic elements here. I got some classic Taylor, a lot of Lana, and a whiff of Gaga. Lyrically, this thing is all over the place. She’s like, pissed off, but also sad and disappointed. She’s firing these very dramatic lines like an automatic weapon, each one supposed to be a bigger dagger than the last. After a while though, she’s basically killing a dead body. Taylor gets really gritty and embarassing here and it’s very interesting. “I’m a queen of sand castles he destroys!” she sings. Fair enough.

The next track, Down Bad opens with a Bon Iver style weird folk sample that then turns into another lowkey instrumental driven by drum machines and a synth pad. I actually think the production here is solid. I like the things they do on Taylor’s vocals here. Nice harmonies, a vocoder type thing. It’s different. Lyrically it’s just classic Taylor. She’s down bad, has to have this one guy, then she tells a story. Yep.

The next song is So Long London. I really like this song, in the context of this record. It’s got all the makings of a good track. Just kind of blows how she’s going all in on this ex. You can tell this song is trying to channel Lana (again), but Taylor doesn’t really know how to write men as well as Lana. I don’t really believe the person Taylor is singing about is that bad, in fact, they’re probably quite sane and reasonable. I would imagine that Joe Alwyn isn’t a huge fan of this depiction.

This song does have some solid production. It’s got good ideas and Antonoff shows a good sense of scale with this instrumental, giving Taylor a more dramatic palate to work with.

But Daddy I Love Him is actually heat. But god it’s absurd. Like, gurl…you’re mad because you were dating a man who is publicly considered by many to be racist and everyone was like “Woah, isn’t he the guy who is publicly considered to be racist?” What did you think would happen? But, whatever. This hook is fucking hilarious and it’s really good. Production wise it feels like an old Taylor song. I like this song a lot. It just sucks it’s about a real person.

This is the the larger problem with this record. The fact that this record is so clearly about these very specific people means it isn’t really that relatable in a lot of ways. Like, if you’re a Taylor stan, I’m sure the nuances of Matt Healy and Joe Alwyn are very interesting. But, like, I don’t really care. I knew what I was getting into, but I wasn’t quite aware of the depth, or lack thereof of thematic diversity on this record. Picture how interesting this record would’ve been if Taylor threw a song on here about selling crack or robbing the place she gets her wine.

Fresh Out The Slammer….oh baby no. Saying shit like “Pretty baby” in a husky voice is Lana’s thing. Don’t do that. Also this feels stupid.

Florida!!! [feat. Florence + The Machine] is a weird song. Why is F+TM on here? Why is this also a Lana Del Rey song, but also a song that could’ve been on Red? It’s not a bad song. It’s very interesting in many ways. The production is sparse, great drums. I think this song is just plain story telling. Either way it’s way more compelling than most of the other songs on here, even if it’s a little less catchy.

Track 9. This is where the record starts to blur into itself, consuming everyone and everything. Guilty As Sin? is a song I really like, from lyrics to melody. I also think it sounds like a lot of other songs on this record. Like, melodically. That’s not a problem. But this is definitely when I started to notice it. I was like, “Wow, I’m really comfortable with this hook….”, and that was because it’s very similar to some of the other hooks in Taylor’s discography. Which is chill, but again, it’s something to note. The production is okay. It hits it’s peak in the chorus, as it should. One thing with this album is that it’s full of space. Like, there’s large portions where songs end up being comprised of barely there synths and Taylor’s reverbed out vocals.

THE RIPPING OFF OF LANA DEL REY MUST STOP. Ehh. Maybe not. Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me? is a great song. In some ways, that’s one issue I have with this record. A lot of the best melodies on here feel pilfered from Lana, or some other contemporary, hell often times it’s Taylor herself. This song is very passionate and actually sort of moving. I enjoyed it. I think the production here is very good. I like the electric guitar and piano interplay. The harmonies are interesting. This was one of my favorite tracks on the record overall.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) feels like a pure exposition track, with a hard to pin down melody that is complemented by the swaying production. It’s a well made song, a solidly written song, but it didn’t really grab me. It feels like an entry that would be more engaging to the people who are heavily invested in the Taylor Swift Cinematic Universe and that’s okay.

Oh god. loml is this song that feels like the equivalent of Taylor breaking down crying at a dinner party. She sounds genuinely distraught and troubled. For many, this would be a very tender moment of vulnerability, but as someone who is completely neutral it’s a little uncomfortable, especially since this has been the last 11 tracks. This one just ups the ante in terms of emotional intensity. The production falls off a cliff in terms of impact, with some sad piano underpinning the track, but little else. This is just a teaser for the second half, which is alight with sad piano songs.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart is okay. It feels like an Arcade Fire song for some reason. The production I think. Lyrically this gets a little wild. “I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthday everyday.” she….flexes. She’s flexing this. The production here is kind of interesting. It’s got some techno drums or something. They’re probably the best sounding drums on the album, which isn’t saying much but it’s true. There’s some glitch elements to this instrumental too in parts. So, it’s interesting, though if you’re expecting “Taylor Swift glitch-pop” you’ll be disappointed.

I kind of despise this next song. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived just goes in on Matt Healy and it’s kind of like, what is left to say? I mean he’s been raked over the coals for like 11 SONGS. Every song is defined by Matt Healy or the fact it’s not about Matt Healy. “Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?” she ponders angrily.

The next song, The Alchemy opens with “This happens every couple lifetimes” as if this type of situation hasn’t happened to Taylor multiple, multiple times. This is definitely a typical Taylor track. Once again, I can feel the documentary about whales ending. “Who are we to fight the alchemy” she sings in all too familiar melody. I’m pretty sure this is about Travis Kelce. It’s got some football references and stuff. It’s a little corny but it works. At least she sounds happy.

The light at the end of the tunnel is Clara Bow. And by that I mean it’s literally the end of the album. It’s okay. My patience is worn down completely, but this is solid songwriting. I don’t hate the production. It’s handled by Aaron Dessner on this track, and it shows. There is real, non gated percussion, the expanded presence of instruments and in general a narrower scope to the song’s production. Lyrically, it feels like some older Taylor, with references to small towns and escaping them, with a man by her side of course. “Beauty is beast that roars down on all fours demanding more” is an eye brow raising line. It’s not a bad closer, but it does feel like this album is too long at this point.

So there we have it. “The Tortured Poet’s Department” by Taylor Swift. It’s long, weighty and just absurdly dense with material that is very much one subject. It’s like Moby Dick, but instead of the chapters that talk about whaling, it’s Matt Healy. He’s the white whale part, but also the other parts. I don’t think it was a bad album. But I didn’t love the production. WAY TOO MANY DRUM MACHINES JACK. WAY TOO MANY WHACK SYNTHS JACK. WAY TOO MUCH NOTHING GOING ON!!!! I want to hear a drill beat.

Sometimes the melodies felt a little well worn or even stale. That’s okay but they’re good but it does serve the hill of evidence that this should’ve been a shorter album. My favorite tracks were But Daddy I Love Him, Guilty As Sin and Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me. Those were really good songs. I liked the energy and lyrics on those tracks a lot and will be listening to them from now on.

So, to conclude, I think this record was okay. But it was just okay and if you don’t at least appreciate Taylor Swift in the way I do, you’ll probably not like it.

Oh, and by the way, there’s actually a second side to this album called “The Anthology.” 15 more songs. So if you enjoyed this piece, there’s more coming.