Cruising: A Review Pt. 1

This is not the ship I went on, it’s just a very cool stock photo.

A cruise ship is a very strange place. There’s unlimited food, unlimited drinks and pretty much everything to do. The ship I was on had a waterslide, hot tubs, swimming pools, a basketball court, like 15 bars…I mean it was basically a floating city block. I appreciated the spectacle of it all. It’s hard to really process it until you’re on one.

Thinking back now, it wasn’t that hard to get on the ship. You wait at a terminal, go through security, yada yada. This terminal has the interesting social dynamic of being somewhere you get to see some of the people who you will be stuck with for a week. It’s interesting because (we’ll discuss this more later), it felt like there were people you’d see every day on the cruise, and others who you only saw once or twice. In the terminal I distinctly recall seeing some people who may as well have not gotten on board because I only saw them that one time.

So I’m aboard and my room isn’t ready, so what am I to do but get a drink. Then I watched the ship sail off and then I checked out my room. It was a decent size and was very comfortable and convenient. Then I went and ate and after that I checked out the football game on the top deck over a few drinks and a cigarette. It was a good time, a good start.

To start with, let’s discuss the drinks and the drinking. I started with some classics- beer and some whiskey neat, even some gin for old times sakes. But eventually I got outside of my comfort zone. The Bloody Mary was a revelation before 12 o’clock. The Irish Coffee thing I had was pristine. I tried a lot of things, but none more than the Whiskey Sour which was so, so good. I had like 15 throughout my trip.

There’s a lot of bars and a fair amount of variety. On our ship we had a whisky bar, a martini bar, a sports bar, a bunch of just bar bars. And they had different themes and some had better or worse versions of different drinks. The sports bar had the best Whisky Sour most of the time but sometimes they’d get a different bartender and he would garnish it with an cherry which wasn’t as good. Garnishes are fascinating to me-I’m still figuring out how they affect a drink but I do know I will probably not like a cherry garnish as much as an orange peel or lime.

The food was good, though I’d say that was more of an average. I had some stellar meals and then a few that were just alright. I enjoyed the sports bar, but I didn’t like the main dining rooms, which were very formal and tended to have an inverse correlation when it came to wait time vs portion size. Some things you’d order felt like appetizers, other times the appetizers felt like entrees. It was mostly free though, so I can’t knock the price. The specialty dining options that I tried were very good. The French restaurant really impressed me with it’s cuisine and the way things were dressed up on the plate. I got the steak tartare, the goat cheese croquettes and the roasted duck. I didn’t care as much for the croquettes but it was exciting to try them and the other two things were fantastic.

Let me tell ya, eating steak tartare- raw beef- that’s a rush. It squirms around inside your mouth, looking for a place to run and after a while you catch it and it still fights back. It’s tough and squishy and taste like metal. I loved it. The only thing it could’ve done better was include the traditional raw quail egg just like they do in France. Awesome meal. Try it if you get the chance. You may hate it, you may love it but eating it is an experience.

The gambling? I don’t know. I didn’t do it. There was a casino though. It looked cool. Normally I would play but I just didn’t get around to it. There were slot machines and tables and ATMs and probably some other stuff I didn’t look for.The casino was located right in the middle of a floor, which I found somewhat whimsical. Everyone would walk through the casino and see the same debauchery. After a while, there were people I could identify by their games. BlackJack Man, Slot Machine Girl and ATM man (and his frustrated girlfriend) were all people that I expected to see there. A cruise ship casino is without a doubt a character collection.

The overall crowd on the cruise? Varied-lotta families, a few couples, and some single (mostly men) people. They were from all over. It’s interesting because you expect a cruise to be a big party. But’s it mostly a weird conglomeration of people who are tied up half the time with the wife or the kids or both. It’s hard to have too much fun on a cruise, and I’m sure that’s ok for some people.

I met some interesting people. There was guy who agreed with me that living in Alabama was all about guilt, another guy who was in his 50s but firmly believed he was in his early 30s….a girl with a triple moon tatoo who absolutely dominated the slot machines. It was a wild and different crowd.

I tended to drink a lot on the cruise, which skewed my view. I often would have 7-8 drinks an evening. Being drunk made me appreciate some of the diversity of the cruise, but hate other aspects of it. As a younger guy I was surprised at the low number of young women. Looking back I totally get it, but in the moment it was surprising. It’s a weird environement. The problem was, trying to establish a bar full of 20-something singles just created a mass of 30 something singles which clogged up the whole situation. It was what it was.

Let’s talk “excursions”, which is a fancy way of saying “times we got off the cruise ship.” I hated Cozumel. I slipped up and ended up paying $25 for a pack two packs of cigarettes. It was my fault and I’m furious. I can’t look past it. It’s bullshit. I will not forgive it. I did like Roatan, but traffic was hell. Harvest Caye (the NCL private island) was cool as shit. But your drinks and food packages don’t carry over so it felt pointless to hang out there. It was a Judas moment, almost…I paid a couple grand to hang out there and now I need to pay to hang out on this island. It’s a shame, it is.

I enjoyed my time in Harvest Caye. I did. It’s a commercial space, definitely an artifact of late stage capitalism. Make as much money as you can. It’s a beautiful island. The boat trip, the mangroves…all of that felt hollow with the idea that our value was lost in our drink’s package. Which I know seems dumb, but what am I supposed to? I was trying to save some dough and drinks and I was unable to do so, I can criticize that. I should.

The shows were really good. They had a lot of rock shows I genuinely enjoyed, with performances that were gritty and authentic. I was pleasantly surprised and in a non-ironic way. These shows were actually awesome. They inspired awe, as it was. Most of the other performers were very good too. There was one woman who wasn’t great, but I won’t put her name in print. Let’s just say this- a guy walked by and goes “Oh they’re doing karaoke!” They were not, in fact, doing karaoke.

That’s most of what happened. I know- a week and this is all I could come up with. But it was a good week. I got the gist of the experience and I feel as though, from a judgement perspective, I have nailed it down. A cruise ship is a great time and compared to many vacations it’s quite affordable. You can pay a locked-in price for an unlimited amount of food and drinks, the ship literally moves from destination to destination, Overall it’s a great deal.

There are some gripes but I find myself hard pressed to really hold them against cruising. I am a hard to please person and on the cruise ship I found myself relatively pleased. Did I think some aspects of the social scene where vapid and sad? Sure. I’m always on the lookout for vapid and sad. Did I think the workers mostly being immigrants from other countries highlighted economic inequality? Sure. But I look for economic inequality. It’s something I do.

I’m gonna give cruising….an 8/10. Yes. The food, while not amazing, was reasonably priced, the drinks were good, the people were interesting, the places were slightly mid…there’s no better way to describe this than an 8/10 experience. And that’s fine. Because when I go on another one (which I will), I’ll have tons of new and improved insights for you people. Also, the ship I went on was called the “Norwegian Breakaway” but I’m only mentioning that now because I was trying to judge cruising independently of the cruise ship, which I realize is hard.

8/10!!!